A letter to you, my child

Monday, February 7, 2011

Dear sweet little one,

At this point, I may only be days or weeks away from meeting you. I'm filled with mixed emotions as I anxiously await your arrival. You see, I was told it would be hard for me to ever conceive a child. I had finally accepted the fact that I may never be a mother, and may never get to feel the joys of being pregnant. So needless to say, when I realized that I might be pregnant, my mind was filled with a thousand questions and fears. I feared that something would happen to you, or to me or your father before our family was complete. I feared the financial challenges we would all be forced to face together since you would be born in uncertain times and a troubled economy. I have feared my abilities as a mother and role model and as a wife to your father.

As this pregnancy nears its end (37 weeks, 4 days along), I have come to accept many things. I have realized that the most important thing that has ever happened to me, and likely ever will, is becoming a mother. And even if something should happen to me before or during your arrival into this world, I am contented to know that, if you are reading this, you are alive. If I am not around, my dear child, please understand that it is for the best, and I could not be more proud to have a child in this world. I cherish ever moment that I get to feel your kicks and punches in my belly. Your hiccups bring me joy and amusement, and I will never forget your wiggling toes and fingers, and the tickling that ensued, as your tested out your little feet and hands in the womb.

I love you, dear child, to the point that I am in tears just thinking about it. I haven't even met you, and yet I feel like I know everything about you. I am terrified of loving you any more than I already do. I've never felt emotions as strong as those I feel towards you, and the thought that my love could be stronger scares me. To be so in love with another human being is to feel truly alive. I honestly didn't know what was missing in my life until you came along, and I am thankful every day that you are here.

I hope I am here to read this to you someday. I hope that we have spent and cherished many days and years together. But if we did not, please do not be sad for me. I have all I ever wanted out of life: you.

I love you, and I can't wait to meet you!
Love,
Mom

Holy Exhaustion Batman!

The weeks and months have flown by, much to my amazement. I'm currently 37 weeks, 4 days pregnant, and I feel like I've been hit by a truck and then backed over and run over again. The overwhelming need to sleep is hard to fight, yet when I try to sleep at night, I just can't get comfortable or the heartburn/acid reflux gets to me and keeps me awake.

As much as I enjoy being pregnant, I'm starting to become uncomfortable. I'm also starting to doubt my abilities to give birth naturally. I keep thinking to myself, that if I am this exhausted when I go into labor, there is no way I will make it through.

Having a natural unmedicated childbirth is extremely important to me. I want to make the best and most healthy choices for this baby and for myself. People have been giving birth for millions of years without pain medications or medical interventions of any sort, and I don't see why I should be any different. Sure, I could get an epidural and not feel a thing and be relieved of contraction pains and pushing pains. Sure, it would be great to not feel any tearing or the "ring of fire" as the baby crowns. But imagine how great it must be to feel something so powerful, so natural and primitive, and there is nothing you can do about it but let it happen.

I'm sure that a natural unmedicated birth is not for everyone, nor is it for the feint of heart or those that want childbirth to be easy. But in my opinion, it shouldn't be easy. Childbirth is the dawn of a new life, the entrance of a human child into this world. It shouldn't be easy.

As I anxiously sit waiting for the signs of labor to begin, I am flooded with thoughts of increasing doubt in my ability to handle labor. I was completely confident in myself, until my midwife told me that those who do not practice to not do well. She suggested hypnobabies (hypnobirthing) and yoga relaxation techniques to help me practice relaxing for labor. I doubt hypnobabies would work too well for me, as I am not an easily suggestible person and I find it hard to take that sort of thing seriously (not to insult anyone, if it works for you, more power to you!). My confidence has been shattered, and I may only have days to prepare myself now. I felt fully prepared before. Sure, I could have done more. But I have done a lot of research and know enough about labor that I will not freak myself out. I know it will be uncomfortable, maybe even to the point of tears. But I will survive.